Me and my girlfriend were doing the weekly grocery shop at Tesco. She was pushing the trolley, and just as we came to the end of the cereal aisle, some bastard child who was running with a trolley crashed into the side of ours, which kind of pushed it into one of those cardboard display cases they sometimes set up at the end of aisles, completely totalling it and knocking these brunch bar things all over the place.

The kid, who looked about 14, doesn’t stop to help clean it up or say sorry, he just f*cks off towards the fruit and vegetable section.

Some of the people that worked there came along and fixed the display and we continued doing the shopping, when ten minutes or so later, we get to the electronics section and see the child begging and pleading with his mother. He wanted her to buy him Mass Effect 3, but she was examining the back of the case and said “look, it says it that it has strong language and violence”.

Some kids are able to kind of bully their parents into getting their own way, and that seemed to be happening here. So i sidled up beside her and casually picked up a copy of the Silent Hill HD collection.

“You know, the swearing really is very infrequent in Mass Effect 3. Just a few four letter F words. I can count the instances on one of my hands. And the violence isn’t graphic at all.”

The woman thanked me for my input, and explained that she doesn’t know very much about computer games so it was nice to get some help. She then turned to her son and said “are you sure this is the one you want?”.

“Oh, but it does deal with some quite mature themes… such as inter-species sex.”

Her face was a picture. “No way, you can put that one back Oliver. Look, how about The Sims Pets”. He looked like he was going to cry. I put Silent Hill back and turn to leave, and she thanks me once again for my help.

I was initially quite proud of myself for pushing a little kid to the brink of tears in defence of my girlfriend's honour, but later that day when i logged into the BioWare network something dawned on me.

You might be aware of the controversy surrounding the game's ending. A lot of players were angry and vowed to do anything they could to make BioWare fix the ending or hurt the company. I had spent many weeks educating the uneducated as to why the ending wasn't that bad and got into some heated arguments with the "retake mass effect 3-ers". I grew to dislike the people immensely... but by costing BioWare a sale, i actually ended up aiding their cause.

The path of revenge leads to some weird places, so it really is best to just chill out and let things go sometimes. This is just one example of how gaming has made me a better person.

A month or so ago, my uncle died, After he was cremated we took his ashes to the crematorium and they were scattered over the same area as his wife's who passed on several years earlier.

It wasn’t windy out, so instead of scattering they mostly ended up in a pile on the grass. We were standing around them and i think it was my mother who said “would anyone like to say something”.

My uncle’s daughters were too upset and it didn’t seem as though anyone else was going to, so i stepped up. I held my arm out over the ashes and said:

Kalahira… guide this one to where the traveller never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and he shall be a companion to you as he was to me.

At the wake a lot of my relatives who i normally have no time for came up to me and said that it was a nice thing to say. And i swear, it’s the first time some of them have looked at me with anything resembling approval… and all because i memorised a line from a computer game.

Also, just after i said my prayer, a gust of wind came along and blew the ashes away a bit. I don’t think this is a sign that the Drell goddess of oceans and afterlife really exists… but they did land on the bottom of my aunt Veronica’s dress, who is a bitch.

It was a beautiful moment, and an example why video games are important to all of us and are capable of having a very positive effect on society.

Sexual fantasies came up on a message board i visit recently, and i was asked mine.

I’d have a girl dress up as Mad Moxxi and we’d be in a sexual position whereby i am on my back and shes kind of sitting on me, and she would recite the following quotes from the game through a megaphone at me.

- Did i promise you a show, or didn’t i? Who loves you, and who do you love?
- Baby, baby, baby… you’re doing so well. I can’t stop now… next wave!!!
- Wow, i like it… i like it… keep it commin. You’re tougher than i expected.
- Man, i’m getting impressed! Maybe you could go another whole round for me, hmm?
- Better dust off that rocket launcher, it’s time for the Rocket Launcher Challenge! Your rocket launcher will work great, everrthing else, well, you might as well not bother.
- I can’t take this any longer! Good God… please.. Make it stop. This is pitiful.